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Ask Danny

Do you have a question or a problem you would like to ask Danny about? Mail Danny and he will email an answer as soon as possible.

Dear Danny,

I have recently come out of the closet to my parents and have come to accept my sexual orientation at the ripe old age of 25! I am currenly working at a cd shop where there is a lot of homophobia. At the moment I am pretty sure that just about everybody knows or suspects something about me, i.e. funny looks, sniggering, etc. What I would like to know is what laws are there that can protect me from any forms of harrassment or displays of homophobia?


Well, my knowledge is not strong in the legal dept. and I'd hate to give you incorrect advice, so I'm going to suggest that you contact your local branch of the NCGLE (National Coalition for Gay/Lesbian Equality). Their numbers are on our website in the Pink Directory. They keep up-to-date on all legislation regarding gay/lesbian rights and would be the best people to advise you.

With love,


Hi there , My problem loneliness , I don't fit in anywhere I am a 29yr old totally straight acting and looking gay male, that must be what is the main cause of my problem . I tried coming out but nobody believed me. They think I am joking...???????.I have a lot of straight friends and no gay friends, how do you go about making gay friends. etc (Letter shortened)


Hmm.. tricky. And not an uncommon problem, I'm afraid. My best suggestion for you is to contact one of the sporting or community organisations.TOGS/COGS are actively seeking new members for hikes/runs/cycles, etc, and there is even a gay motoring club!

Take a look on the website's pink directory under Organisations and see if there isn't one that you'd enjoy. Also, take a look in the GAYSA news magazine, Outright magazine or Exit newspaper for more details.

With love,


I am a 22 year old boy from Holland. I am a student and I am going to work in Pretoria for half a year. I am gay and I have absolutely no problem with that. Here in Holland it is no problem at all.Two men can even get married here. So there is no better place for a gay person than Holland.

But now I am going to stay in South Africa for half a year, and I am curious how the gay life is in South Africa. Is it a taboo, or not? Must you be careful to say it to anyone? Is it social accepted?
I am curious to your answer.

Kind regards,

Dear Willem

Gay life in South Africa is fabulous. We have many freedoms and rights that other gays and lesbians don't have, and it's all written in the constitution. Add to that the the weather, the nightlife and the men and you have a great time ahead of you.

You must also be aware however, that not everyone is tolerant and accepting of gays and lesbians. Coming from a country like Holland, which is famous for it's liberal attitudes, you may find some people hostile towards gays and lesbians. This is to be expected in any country, but overall it's anything goes!

Welcome to South Africa and we hope you enjoy your stay. To find venues in your area, check out our Pink Directory.

Pride, Love and respect

Dear Danny

Since I can remember I have had fun with boys. From age sixteen I was seriously gay. Then, when approaching my thirties, I got more and more disillusioned and lonely. I had made a very good friend with a woman I was working with.

Then we both went through a religious experience. This did my soul very well.

One day we decided to get married. We married within three days and then moved to another town, losing most of our so-called friends who said it would not work.

It is now seven years and three kids later. We have a happy family life and I love my wife and kids very much. Yet, I am still gay. I have had the odd sexual experience with other men over the years, but nothing serious. I am however becoming more and more depressed because I cannot live my life as I wish: as a gay.

I really do not want to divorce, as this would ruin the kids, yet my wife knows me very well and understands me (we shared most of our experiences as friends and she knows I'm gay). I do not want to hurt anybody, but I must have more freedom and more sex with a man. It really is killing me.

What am I going to do? How will I live in this state? Is there a way out without hurting anybody?

I really am a bit desperate, I don't know how long I can keep this up. Please answer this letter. I will appreciate any help you can give.

Dear HB,

You seem to have quite a problem on your hands and the only person who can solve it is you.

I would suggest you decide what your priorities are and what you will sacrifice to make yourself happy.

You should separate your sexual needs from your emotional needs. Ask yourself what is most important. Sex with another man, or a close family unit.

Always think of your family as well. Your wife may know you're gay, but is she happy with you sleeping with men whilst married to her? And your children, especially the eldest, are getting to the stage where they are more aware of the environment they are in.

You are in a situation where people will get hurt. You seem to have gone through life without having to make too many sacrifices, and now you are faced with a big one.

My advice is don't act rash. Think carefully, talk to your wife, and see a counselor or therapist, or call one of the helplines listed in this web site. And don't forget that your wife is your friend.

Pride, Love and Respect

Hi Danny,

I am BWM, in closet, and prefer to stay there. I never go to gay clubs etc, but meet guys now and then in "straight" bars etc. And I heard that lots of these guys are actually not so "straight"!

So tell me, what would the tell-tale signs be to look out for when a guy who seems to be straight, isn't really. What body language will he display etc? How will I know without making my name "gat" that he is approachable?


Dear BWM,

I don't know what advice I can give you about meeting other guys in straight places, but I'll try.

Some of the things to look out for are eye contact, body language or even just a smile.If a guy is looking at you often, and holding eye contact when you look at him, that can be a pretty good indication.
Look out for his body language. If he is relaxed,i.e. uncrossed arms, open expression, and points his body towards you, this could be interpreted as an invitation.

Also, just talking to someone in a relaxed atmosphere is a great first step. Try testing the waters in conversation and move on from there.

Lastly, try going to a gay club or bar. They're fun and a great place to meet people.

Pride, Love and Respect

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