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Humour
Lesbian Humour
Lesbian Humour

An old cowboy

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

This is a visual joke, so imagine:
Stick out your tongue straight in front of you. Ask: "what's this?"
Answer: "A lesbian with a hard on"

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That's *not* funny!

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three... one to change the lightbulb and 2 to process the experience.

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other to write a folk song about it.

How many straight women in North Hampton does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Both of them.

How many kinky lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they'll check for the darkroom.

How many cyber-lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they're off to change the world instead.

Again: how many lesbians does it take to... ya know what I mean?
Four. One to change it and three to organize the potluck.
Seven. One to change it, three to organise the potluck, and three to film an empowering documentary.
Eight. One to change it, three to organize the potluck, three to film an empowering documentary, and one to write a folksong about the experience.
This could go on...

How many Superwomen does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Two: One to hold the lightbulb and one to turn the world.

How many wise lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they've already transmitted their energy.

How Many Irish dykes does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Two: One to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

How many surrealist dykes does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Fish.

How many Hippie dykes, does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Ten: One to change it and nine to pass it around.

A young woman, in the course of her college life,
came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.
Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lesbian?"
"Well... yes."
Still without looking up: "Does that mean you lick women's pussies?"
Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:
"Don't you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!"

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

What is the height of confusion?
20 blind lesbians in a fish market. : )

What do my girlfriend and Jack Daniels have in common?
They are both hard liqours.

How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Why do lesbians like whales so much?
Because they have 50 foot tongues, and air holes on the top of their heads.

Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

Did you hear about the miracle that occured at Sunny Brook Hospital?
A child was born with a brain AND a penis.

Why do men name their penises?
They don't want to feel that a stranger is doing all their thinking.

Female comedian is being harassed on stage by a man in the audience.
He yells, "What are you, a dyke?"
She responds with, "What are you, my alternative?"

A woman goes to the gynecologist,
and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygienic?" The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

While making love, the lesbian asks her lover,
"Do you mind if I smoke while you eat?"

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.

So there's this dermatologist, see.
And he goes in to work one day, and his first patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My boyfriend refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love, and now I have this horrible rash." She takes off her shirt, and sure enough, there's a big red itchy rash in the form of an H on her chest.
The doctor says, "This is interesting, I've never seen anything quite like it before. I wonder why it occured in such an unusual shape."
"He goes to Harvard," she says.
"Ah, that would explain it," he says. He prescribes some calamine lotion and sends her on her way."
The next patient comes in and says, "Doctor, I hope you can help me with this rash. It's a little embarrassing, but it's driving me crazy."
She takes off her shirt, and displays a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of a Y. The doctor raises his eyebrows. "It's my boyfriend," she explains.
"He goes to Yale, and is so into his new letter sweater that he never takes it off, even when we're making love. Is there anything you can do?"
The doctor prescribes calamine lotion and sends patient number 2 on her way. The third patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me!" She takes off her shirt, and there on her chest is a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of an M.
"Don't tell me," says the doctor. "Your boyfriend goes to MIT, and refuses to take off his letter sweater when you make love."
The patient looks at him with surprise. "Close," she says. "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

Have you heard...
about the new lesbian tennis shoe called "Dyke"? (pronounced DIKEE)
Yeah! It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!

They said...
A man with pierced ears is better prepared for marriage. He has experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)


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