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Humour
Misc Humour
Misc. Humour
Doctor
A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.
He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing his
mistake, he says..."Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen!"

If only men...
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road......
A woman is driving down the same road......
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells,"PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road!!
If only men would listen......

The singer
"Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass Of Home.' and 'Delilah' Can you help me?"
"Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from 'Tom Jones Syndrome'."
"Is it rare?"
"Well...its not unusual...."

Mystery solved
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Edwards Wedding
...
On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

An elderly couple...
An elderly couple are traveling cross country, and it was the woman's turn to drive. On a desert road in Texas, they are pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer walks over to the couple's car and asks: "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man shouts: "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!"
The officer then asks: "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man yells: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE!"
The woman gives the officer her driver's license. He looks at it for a moment and says: "I see you're from Arkansas. Arkansas girls are cold
fish. I had the worst sex of my life in that state..."
The woman turns to her husband: "What did he say?"
The old man yells: "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

A lot of hot air
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting, because they don't smell and are quite silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Please take two of these pills each day, and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts -- though still silent--really stink terribly."
The doctor replied, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

Adam & Eve...
God was finished with the basic structure on humanity and now it was time for the extra's; the perq's. So she said to Adam and Eve, "Ok, you've got the basic stuff; now who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam leaps to his feet and says, "Me! Oh please, I want to be able to pee standing up!!"
So God says, "'Tis granted". And Adam goes off happy. Then She turns to Eve and says, "Looks like all I have left are the multiple orgasms".

DISCRETION ADVISED WHEN UPGRADING!

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when launched (even though these apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
- A "Don't Remind me Again" button;
- Minimize button;
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option of uninstalling at any time without loss of Cache and other system resources;
- An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" which would allow the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing bug that I should have been aware of.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program of Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks is that all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for some reason Mistress 1.1 won't install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK-AROUNDS

To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink or Interlink) between the two systems.

Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of viruses that can be inadvertently downloaded from Usenet.

They said...
The useless piece of flesh at the end of a penis is called a man. (Jo Brand)


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