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Humour
Condom Humour
Condom Humour

Take your pick

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex Condoms: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack Condoms: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines travel pack Condoms: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condoms: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

Two old ladies...

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?". The other old lady said," Its a condom". "A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condomsat the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?". The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

List of Possible Slogans Promoting National Condom Week

"Cover your stump before you hump.

"Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
"Don't be silly, protect your willy.
"Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
"You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
"If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
"If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
"It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
"She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
"If you go into heat, package your meat.
"While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
"Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.
"The right selection, is to protect your erection.
"Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
"If you really love her, wear a cover.
"Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
"If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
"If you're gonna love, wear the glove.

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Young Love

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."


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The Marathoner

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nudie answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nudie answered, "Only if it's raining."


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The Penis Study

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost more than $1 million. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The French were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct its own study. The Canucks didn't really trust the British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete. It concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the face!


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The Wasp

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion.

So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"

To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the little bastard!"

They said...
The only way to get rid of cockroaches is to tell them you want a long-term relationship. (Jasmine Birtles)


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